Body Neutrality
Since reading Smarty's Desirability Differential , I've been struck by this feeling of needing to explain my answer further to her and the wider AFF audience that travels through these blogs from time to time. Because I know that my answer sounds like hogwash to a lot of people.
"I dunno, I’m not the type to even go for conventionally attractive men. I don’t even feel comfortable rating attractiveness on any scale because it’s all so subjective. Who I think is attractive rarely matches others.
I have dated men younger and older, though none have given me any feeling of superiority or inferiority because of the age difference. Although, I don’t think I’ve ever gone beyond an eleven year difference. And I would argue the guy who was eleven years younger was more mature than me."
Though my dating experience does include women and couples, the majority of it is men, so we're just going to go with the heteronormative stuff. It's easier that way.
If I'm on a dating site and some conventionally attractive man emails me, I don't think to myself: "Oh my god, he's so much more attractive than I am". Sure, I used to think that way when I was younger, but the version of me that exists today sees me as a "catch". A catch only to a certain subset of people, sure, but definitely not "unworthy" or "undesirable".
There are a lot of people I'm not attracted to, doesn't mean that I think they're unworthy or undesirable. It just means they aren't the person for me.
Some people take rejection too hard; they see it as some sort of failure on their part. That couldn't be further from the truth. Rejection just means they weren't the right one, it's not a personal attack on you, your looks, or your age.
I started practicing body neutrality and radical self-acceptance. In my opinion, it is the only way I can navigate this world full of advertisements and media campaigns designed to tell me I'm not good enough as I am.
Rather than attacking ourselves for our perceived flaws and insecurities, try focusing on what your body can and does for you daily. Appreciate that.
https://www.webmd.com/beauty/what-is-body-neutrality
I get it, we live in a world where we're fed an idealized version of beauty around every corner. Men and women. But beauty is more than "they" tell you it is, and it includes people of all ages, races, gender identities, sizes, religions...you get the point.
Do you really want to live in a homogenized world where everyone has the same body and face shape? No lines to illustrate character? No variances for age? Are we all supposed to fit a mold? It sounds dystopian, to me.
We are supposed to age and aging is beautiful, if we let it be.
I'm not saying one shouldn't be healthy, or do their best to be healthier.
What I am saying is, our bodies and who we are is more than what we look like.
Since my much younger days where i used to fuss over any perceived flaws of my body, I'm now totally accepting of my body. I think my swinging days helped a lot on that front.
ReplyDeleteI can see how swinging could make you more comfortable with yourself.
DeleteYou post, plus Smarty's post, has just inspired my next blog post. Thanks.
DeleteThat’s the beauty of blogging with others, they inspire you
DeleteYour blog yesterday on the Eclipse and Rapture, inspired mine today Deb..Thanks
DeleteI love that we have an inspiration chain happening here. :)
DeleteMe too..
DeleteAs we realize during our lifetime, our outer shell is only the vessel for the more important things underneath it. The heart, mind and all of our organs to keep us alive matter so very much more. Without those in proper working order, none of us would be here to worry about even what we look like on the outside at all. Our outsides are only skin holding those most vital organs together. I learned so very long ago not to care how others viewed me on the outside as that is so shallow. It truly is what's on the inside that counts. As long as I continue to love myself, my crooked nose with a bump on the bridge, my mid-life pouch I can never get rid of no matter how active I am, my C-Section scars from child-birth, I truly do not care about anyone else's opinions but my own..When we as a human, criticize both our outer body and others, that is low self-esteem and or inflated Ego's talking only and nothing more..We have all at one time or another known societies version of what is considered "Beautiful" yet some of them are rotten to the core inside..
ReplyDeleteYou speak the truth! How many conventionally attractive people are convicted of horrific crimes? Tons. Beauty, true beauty, comes from within, and it's age that brings us that wisdom and that's beautiful in and of itself.
DeleteAmen my friend.
DeleteI very much agree in theory...let's just say my own attitudes on this continue to be a work in progress. Yes, I want to love and accept my body and have gratitude for what it does for me. But I still have those moments (like when I looked at the shower video) where I'm just.... "ugh".
ReplyDeleteYou might recall I posted about body positivity vs. body neutrality back on AFF...I was feeling really conflicted by the Lizzo series Watch Out for the Big Girls, because some of those women just didn't look healthy to me. I was interested to read recently that Lizzo herself no longer espouses "body positivity" but has moved on to "body neutrality". However I'll note that that shift happened as she's promoting a swimwear line that has lots of spandex to hold you in. 😒
We are all just works in progress, there are days when I struggle and think something negative about myself, but I also try to brush them away as a "programming glitch". That's just all the negative bullshit I see on TV and the internet that is making me think those things. It does help me to move past that original "negative" thought.
DeleteI think body positivity had the right overall idea, we need to love our selves in order to take care of ourselves....but they took it too far.
I love myself, but I accept I'm obese and need to lose weight for my health. I accept myself, and that I'd be healthier if I was smaller. Body positivity, imo, didn't allow for the notion that healthy should be the goal, it wanted to promote an unreal "ideal".
I'm wary of anyone promoting anything while they're trying to sell me something. ;)
Looks are secondary to me. I'm more concerned about what's between the ears, or even if there is anything there. Just a pretty face is like looking at those puny toy dogs in a pet shop window. Nice to look at, but that's where it ends.
ReplyDeleteI know I need to lose weight so my knees won't be feeling so miserable and it's better for my overall health. But I won't push myself to lose weight just because there are dudes out there who think 100lbs is morbidly obese. Fuck them.
Tomorrow, I will be discussing it further, but I'll just tell you here. I got a prescription for Wegovy for weight loss. Between my heart issues, back, and knees...I have to do something or I won't be walking for much longer.
DeleteBut, yeah, I agree with you, looks mean very little over all. Health is the important part.